Ok, I’m not sure what’s gotten into me but I’m going to vent. Actually it was something that was posted onto my Facebook page, a ‘funny’ skit that poked fun at the fat people. Usually I would kind of go whatever and move on or have a ‘laugh’ at myself but not today, no not today.
I have a confession, I am fat! Yes I am a size 22, and now all the world knows, how about that. I have been fat most of my life and I have tried just about every diet there is and some that I've made up myself all to no avail. So here I am at forty, not feeling very good or good about myself, sick of wearing ‘special clothes’ and considering lap band surgery, actually surgically reducing my stomach so that I can’t eat too much. Am I desperate, you betcha.
However at the same time I have to admit that somewhere inside of me I just wonder about what has brought me to this place. Yes I have always been overweight but it’s only been over the past 7 or so years that it’s really gotten out of hand. I look back on photos of myself and remember how bad I felt about myself at the time and yet I actually wasn’t that big, but it’s the self loathing that drives the demons inside to reach for the fridge. And that’s the thing…it’s the self loathing often fuelled by society and media expectation.
I mean really I hate to admit it but even I who am obese quite often notice someone's weight at first glance, I hate it. How dare I judge anyone based upon their physical size, what shallow and short sighted way of seeing people. But in so many ways subtle and non subtle it’s constantly reinforced, you should feel bad for being fat, you take up too much space, your unacceptable, you don’t fit in, you should be ashamed, it’s all your fault. And you know what I feel all of that at more most days, it’s so hard. And don’t get me started on the number of times people tell me ‘all you have to do is…’ well dah! I probably know more about diet that anyone, I could probably get a degree in dietetics, but if it was just a matter of knowledge I really don’t think there would be that many fat people around, it is so much more complex. In fact I kind of think there’s something kinda broken in me.
I know everyone will have an opinion about it but I do think in general the way women are expected to conform to a carbon copy shape is insane. I kind of think it indicates a sickness in society that values the shell and not the soul.
I really don’t know what I’m going to do, some days I think it’s doable and other days I envisage myself getting fatter and fatter till I end up in a nursing home not being able to move, if I make it to a nursing home. It’s really the one thing in my life that I feel I have absolutely no control over. In all other areas of my life I am extremely focused, capable and successful but this has been my Goliath, all my life, and I haven't been able to find the right weapons yet.
But I still have hope that maybe one day soon I will. Maybe it will take surgery, and if you read what you have to go through I’m telling you it’s not an easy option. But if you had a broken leg you would plaster it or if you had a mental illness you would use medication to control it, I don’t think surgery is a cop out and certainly isn’t done lightly, in fact I have been considering this for over a two years now. It’s going to take me a while to save for it anyway so there will be time to think a lot more about it.
I guess that’s it for now I’ve vented…time to put away the soapbox.