Tuesday, June 22, 2010

On My Soap Box


Ok, I’m not sure what’s gotten into me but I’m going to vent. Actually it was something that was posted onto my Facebook page, a ‘funny’ skit that poked fun at the fat people. Usually I would kind of go whatever and move on or have a ‘laugh’ at myself but not today, no not today.

I have a confession, I am fat! Yes I am a size 22, and now all the world knows, how about that. I have been fat most of my life and I have tried just about every diet there is and some that I've made up myself all to no avail. So here I am at forty, not feeling very good or good about myself, sick of wearing ‘special clothes’ and considering lap band surgery, actually surgically reducing my stomach so that I can’t eat too much. Am I desperate, you betcha.

However at the same time I have to admit that somewhere inside of me I just wonder about what has brought me to this place. Yes I have always been overweight but it’s only been  over the past 7 or so years that it’s really gotten out of hand. I look back on photos of myself and remember how bad I felt about myself at the time and yet I actually wasn’t that big, but it’s the self loathing that drives the demons inside to reach for the fridge. And that’s the thing…it’s the self loathing often fuelled by society and media expectation.


I mean really I hate to admit it but even I who am obese quite often notice someone's weight at first glance, I hate it. How dare I judge anyone based upon their physical size, what shallow and short sighted way of seeing people. But in so many ways subtle and non subtle it’s constantly reinforced, you should feel bad for being fat, you take up too much space, your unacceptable, you don’t fit in, you should be ashamed, it’s all your fault. And you know what I feel all of that at more most days, it’s so hard. And don’t get me started on the number of times people tell me ‘all you have to do is…’ well dah! I probably know more about diet that anyone, I could probably get a degree in dietetics, but if it was just a matter of knowledge I really don’t think there would be that many fat people around, it is so much more complex. In fact I kind of think there’s something kinda broken in me.

I know everyone will have an opinion about it but I do think in general the way women are expected to conform to a carbon copy shape is insane. I kind of think it indicates a sickness in society that values the shell and not the soul.

I really don’t know what I’m going to do, some days I think it’s doable and other days I envisage myself getting fatter and fatter till I end up in a nursing home not being able to move, if I make it to a nursing home. It’s really the one thing in my life that I feel I have absolutely no control over. In all other areas of my life I am extremely focused, capable and successful but this has been my Goliath, all my life, and I haven't been able to find the right weapons yet.

But I still have hope that maybe one day soon I will. Maybe it will take surgery, and if you read what you have to go through I’m telling you it’s not an easy option. But if you had a broken leg you would plaster it or if you had a mental illness you would use medication to control it, I don’t think surgery is a cop out and certainly isn’t done lightly, in fact I have been considering this for over a two years now. It’s going to take me a while to save for it anyway so there will be time to think a lot more about it.

I guess that’s it for now I’ve vented…time to put away the soapbox.


lisa stubbs said...

You do what you need to do to make you happy, life's too short, I think good for you for getting on your soap box, and who cares what anybody says on facebook? Lisax:)

Angela Stewart said...

God bless you for writing this Kylie. Sadly, I can totally, totally relate to everything you've said here. A number of years ago I went from a size 20-22 down to a very arrogant and judgemental size 10, and now back up to, well...let's just say nowhere close to a 10 anymore, and I'm humbled once again. In a way I'm glad, because I know that when I lose this weight again (not sure when, not sure how), I will not sit in judgement of those bigger than me. I should have known better the first time around.
As for you, dear girl, let me just say that I think you are one of the most beautiful women I have in my life. Although we don't see a lot of each other I have always regarded you with a huge amount of respect, fondness and admiration. xo

Anonymous said...

Thank you for stopping by my little place online - I'm really happy you did or I would have missed this very poignant post. I agree with you - I was sz 22 in high school and now I'm a sz 12 - but I still consider myself to be huge and why is that? Because society ingrains into you that you are not perfect until you are unobtainably skinny. Nothing like setting us up for failure.

I wish you the best of luck and have added you to my blogroll - so I'll be following along. Thanks again for coming to visit!

inadvertent farmer said...

Thanks for stopping by...I have been meandering through your blog and stumbled upon this post.

My sister-in-law just lost 150 pounds (and she's only 4'11" tall!) She had lap band surgery and it took 3 years but she is again able to move and chase her small children around.

And I completely understand the call of the frig. I should lose 20-30 pounds, I'm vegan, I fast one day a week and still it keeps hanging on.

So chin up...you have lots of company in all different shapes and sizes! Good luck and thanks for the honest post, Kim

Anonymous said...

Thank-you for your courage in revealing your personal struggle. People are cruel. It seems that picking on the heavy is still socially acceptable. The bullies out there need to make themselves feel superior to someone. I am older than you, and unfortunately when the metabolism slows down as you age it gets much harder to lose the excess baggage! Good luck!!